I love making decisions, I love planning. I love being in control. Ultimately, I love being the only one to blame if something doesn’t go the way I planned. That may seem silly but I have found that when my plans fail, I learn.
It’s funny though, because deep down I know I am never actually in control of anything, and if there’s one thing that has proven my powerlessness, its pregnancy. It started from the moment I got the (+) on the pregnancy test. My thoughts immediately shifted to everything I can and will do to ensure this child is healthy. I started taking prenatal vitamins, I stopped drinking coffee (that lasted about 2 weeks,oops), I game planned how I will beat unhealthy cravings and continue working out even if I’m become exhausted.
Then we went to our 10 week ultrasound. Much more exciting than the 6 week one, where we couldn’t even hear the heartbeat and my husband literally thought the sac was our baby because we could barely make out a human in there. After the ultrasound, my husband left and I waited for the doctor. When I met with her, she told me that they saw some abnormalities during the ultrasound. She explained that our baby might have what is called Gastroschisis. Which is a rare birth defect where a baby’s abdominal wall does not close as it should, leaving a gap in the belly, an opening where the baby’s intestines grow and stay on the outside of the body. She further explained some of what this would entail, but most dramatically would be immediate surgeries on our baby after birth. I was pretty shocked, so I didn’t ask many questions but was told “you’ll come back in 4 weeks for another ultrasound to check again for confirmation.”
That was that. I left, walked to the car with an assortment of thoughts fluttering my brain, mainly thinking “WTF, a birth defect?” For those who don’t personally know me and my husband, we are pretty healthy people. My husband is very athletic, competes on the popular TV series American Ninja Warrior, and trains 6-7 days a week and myself working out 4-5 days week. I have never had health concerns, shoot I’ve never even had a tooth cavity. We both eat whole, limited processed foods. We basically are the text book definition of “healthy”. So, a birth defect? Totally not on our radar.
Fast forward, through a range of emotions and countless prayers, to our next ultrasound where they saw no signs of the defect and a completely healthy baby. Praise Him, right?! Of course. But the moral here was there was nothing I could have done to prevent the birth defect, and there was nothing I could have done to fix it. It was out of my control.
Which is pretty much how the whole process goes. As I write this, my baby is rapidly growing inside of me. I am a part of this process. I can eat healthy, I can exercise, and I can do everything and anything for a ‘healthy’ baby. But once this process began, this baby’s life and growth is ultimately out of my control.
Brings me to think about trust. Trusting in God’s power over my own is sometimes scary. But His Word repeatedly tells me, do not be anxious, do not be afraid, for He is with you always. The only way for overcoming fear is through unfathomable trust.
I think that God shows us how powerless we are during pregnancy so we may secure this level of trust in Him. Not only for ourselves, but so we may pass it on to our children. He is prepping us to teach our children the greatest gift of all – resting in Gods strength, regardless of the chaos and confusion of the world.